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I'm trying to put on a play for a theater full of ghosts, but it gets a really bad reception every night. We keep hearing "boo"s from the audience.

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I tried out some hipster tea, but I burned my mouth on it - I drank it before it was cool.

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Today I learned that I can jump higher than my house.

It was pretty easy. My house can't jump.

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Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of a boat?

If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat.

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At the post office, I accidentally put my hand inside the machine they use to add postmarks to stamps.

I guess I've been cancelled.

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Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven knows what six did.

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One time I got lunch with Bonnie Tyler. We'd agreed to get Greek food, but couldn't find anywhere that sold it. I was happy to just get a burger, but she was holding out for a gyro.

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A fish in a lake accidentally swam into a concrete wall.

He said, "Dam!"

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There are three kinds of people in the world: those who are good at counting, and those who aren't.

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If you stand over Mozart's grave, you can hear all of his music being played backwards, in the order in which he wrote them.

He's decomposing.

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I heard a rumor about butter, but I really shouldn't spread it.

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I was planning to tell a joke about communism here, but I'm worried that not everybody will get it.

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People will try to convince you that nothing rhymes with orange.

It really doesn't.

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I hate to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in only five moves.

Those karate lessons really did pay off.

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"You can dance with a lightsaber if you're not a coward."

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β€œWhy isn’t the new year on the winter solstice?”

The answer, honestly, is that the Romans had no fucking idea how to run a calendar.

Like, seriously, people notice "OCTOber" and "DECEMber" and say, "hey, those mean 'eight' and 'ten', but they're the 10th and 12th months, what's up with that?".

If you've got a little more history, you'll know that July and August are named after Julius and Augustus Caesar, and think, "oh, they added those two months and bumped the rest of the months back."

Nope. The Romans were way, way worse at calendars than that.

gist.github.com/joyeusenoelle/

… oh.

Elekk doesn’t have her candle yet, does it.

I don’t know why that’s breaking me like this, but it is.

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Elekk: Gameing and Other Delightful Pursuits

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