Hey, I'm going to address some stuff I did wrong last night. And that thread will be CWd appropriately, and attached to this message.

I'm going to start with the apology, and then explain, but not excuse, what went wrong from my end.
And I will ask for forgiveness.

I done fucked up and I'm sorry 

What happened last night was way off base, and I crossed the line.
What I wanted to express, and what I ended up expressing were two vastly different things. Trying to explain by telling you what my intent was, wont fix what I did.

Apologizing won't fix what I did, but hopefully I can make amends, and by recognizing what I did wrong maybe we can learn something together.

I done fucked up and I'm sorry 

@Are0h , I want to apologize for how I was trying to leverage “show that you are really good” as to demand “good behaviour”, which I was trying to force out of the situation.
I was completely wrong about it, and in reality you were getting harassed. This was honestly really fucked up by me. And there’s no excuse for this. I am sorry. I’m sorry that I put you in that situation, that I tried to leverage some kind of “good behavior” to make you change.

I done fucked up and I'm sorry 

@Are0h I can’t take it back, I know that. But I am sorry.

My own mh/memory issues 

Now I want to address the realities of my own situation. The fact that I was defending a known harasser, wasn’t something I was aware of at the time.

Unfortunately, because of my own mental health, I don’t remember shit like this elekk.xyz/@maloki/100205530366 (copy paste in search bar to see if you’re allowed to see it).

My own mh/memory issues 

I can best describe it as that my brain keeps resetting, and I forget interactions I’ve had with people. Or interactions I’ve seen but not engaged it. The ones I remember the most are always my first hand experiences. But even then it kind of disappears.

As I said in that linked toot, it’s both a blessing and a bane, because I will do shit like this.

Whether it be defending someone who doesn’t deserve it, whether it be boosting or talking with known harassers.

My own mh/memory issues 

While I take full responsibility for that, the blessing part of it is that it’s overall better for my mental health that I forget this stuff.

Unfortunately, it ends up putting other people in bad situations, and I’m starting to recognize that more and more.

Lessons we learn/I'm sorry 

What did I learn? No matter how well meaning I am, if I’m already exhausted, and know for a fact that I have brain fog, I need to not engage in conversations where I’m trying to defend anyone.

It’s more about the fact that I can’t fully assess the situation, rather than my words will come out wrong.

When I want to ask someone to step back and assess the situation, I need to do it as well.

I will try to do better, and I hope you can all forgive me.

My own mh/memory issues(public) 

Since it was a follows only, making this one public:

“patterns.. Are hard for me to see because of my mental health, I forget a lot of stuff about people I don't interact with every day, basically.
So if I've muted, blocked or unfollowed people in the past I don't remember why or that I did.
A lot of the time I'll actually be like "I thought I already hit that follow button", only to be reminded days or weeks later that I unfollowed for a reason."

My own mh/memory issues(public) 

"it's both a boon and a bane, because it allows me a fresh start with a lot of people.
But it also means that I'll usually only assess the situation from what I'm seeing in that specific moment, because I can't remember past things.

This is super hard for me to explain to people in a way that people can understand, unfortunately. And it's hard to explain preemptively.”

My own mh/memory issues 

@maloki I'm not a "known harrasser", please don't drag my name through the ground

My own mh/memory issues 

@zeezeemoomoo I didn't mention your name.

My own mh/memory issues 

@maloki you quite clearly implied it was me and you also apologised TO the person who was bullyign me

all while claiming to be neutral

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Elekk: Gameing and Other Delightful Pursuits

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