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Joshi is pronounced like Yoshi and not like Josh.

I have never had anything like that happen before.

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Had some whiskey my roomie bought a month or so ago.. and a few minutes later noticed my face felt warm. Looked in the mirror and, holy shit, it looked like I had a sunburn. My normally-pink cheeks had turned red and even my forehead was turning.

I took some meds immediately and feel and look a LOT better now but, goodness. That was kinda scary??

turns out all that ritalin i was on as a kid actually can help it just needs fucking estrogen to work correctly

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I had a day where my brain behaved really well and it's. It's kinda fucked up??? This is the second time in recent memory it's happened and I think I know why so I think I can make it consistent and that's just fucking bonkers to me. I might just. Get to have a halfway working brain?? Maybe???

there is SOMETHING screeching outside. kinda sounds like a hawk or something?? but it's 1am! hawks are diurnal! go to bed, tobias!!!!

i know it's a case of a million monkeys with a million typewriters but the meme machine is putting out some fire images ngl

gender, - ish, long? 

this is prolly gonna be all over the place

I still struggle relatively often with whether I should do what I've been doing, whether it's the right move, whether I deserve to do it. Sometimes, even with whether or not I actually want to.

Every once in a while someone will refer to me with "she" and my brain kinda, does a double-take? I want to respond, deny it. Oh, I'm not - I don't -. My name too, sometimes. Not that I'll tell them to use J█████ or anything, but I have a momentary desire to tell people to just call me Jo instead... which I know most folks are gonna hear as Joe. And I don't actually want that!

But, yeah, that basic reaction will sometimes make me question whether I actually want this. Do I want to be a girl? I certainly don't feel like I already am a girl. Or that I should be a girl. I just.. don't want to be the person I've been....

But then it's like, I think about it, think about the changes happening, or coming, or not happening that I might have to worse, or can't change. Do I wish my voice was higher, more feminine? Absolutely. Do I wish my shoulders were less broad? 100%. Do I wish I had wider hips? Yup. Do I sometimes wish I could scrape the skin off my chin to get rid of the hair, forever? god yes please i want it gone. i never want to shave again.

That's all physical traits (and, hah, it skips the stereotypical one), but the mental, emotional stuff, too, I want.

like???? at what point is my brain satisfied?? when does it accept that it REALLY TRULY DOES want this, that I'm not lying to myself, tricking myself, that wanting it is enough, that I deserve it?

ugh!!!!!!

i just. yeah. needed to express some of that. my brain's been giving me a hard time recently, and this has been part of it, and I needed to express it.

Mannnn or if I hadn't come out publicly before quarantine I coulda come back with "actually it's Josie now" that woulda been fun

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I love the covid as anime timeskip gags but also they make me a li'l mad that I basically had no visible transition changes between when quarantine started and when it lifted enough that I went back to work

Like I get that they're slow changes and I'm gonna be the last person to actually notice a lot of them but mannnnnnn that coulda been so good

it’s gonna be cool when covid finally lets up and we all get to see each other’s new post-timeskip character designs

JKR 

Wrote an email to my store manager about my concerns with the new Rowling book, and its potential as a rallying point for transphobes.

I'm.. genuinely anxious about the potential to be faced with a customer buying the book specifically to support her transphobia. I am openly trans at work, and often stuck on register, with no backup. I desperately do not want to get cornered by a customer who hates me for existing.

I am probably blowing this a little out of proportion, but this book is genuinely making me a little worried for my safety.

i made an appointment to get someone to shoot lasers at my face in about two weeks

my brain is doing fucking flips over whether or not I should have done it, whether it'll be a waste of money. whether I'll regret it.

we'll see if it's a waste of money (it almost assuredly is not; even if it can only get like half my hairs that's still half of it gone, and the rest super thin and light) but I know it's the right choice. I hate shaving. I hate having facial hair. I hate it growing. I want it fucking gone. I'm not gonna regret it.

but my brain keeps asking "what if you do?"

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Elekk: Gameing and Other Delightful Pursuits

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