personal, family, depression shit, emotional abuse ignore it. 

I am very tired and i am sorry for this venting. i know this isn't the server for it. but i also know no one will really see, and i might just private this entire account to make sure that stays the case.

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personal, family, depression shit, emotional abuse ignore it. 

there was a long period of time where i felt really suicidal and i told my mother that because i was scared, and she told me i was selfish. and the shittiest thing is, she's convinced me it's true. I am selfish, and useless, and stupid.

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personal, family, depression shit, emotional abuse ignore it. 

when i was in therapy, my therapist asked me if my mother ever asks me about my day. asks me how im doing. asks me how therapy is going.
when I told her no, she just looked at me like she couldn't even fathom

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personal, family, depression shit, emotional abuse ignore it. 

i take out student loans to help her pay bills, even though I know when she tells me she'll pay them back, she's lying. I feel guilty for even thinking that she's not good to me, because she gives me a home and food and other things I need. even things i dont need, sometimes she just gets me things.

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personal, family, depression shit, emotional abuse ignore it. 

it's always like that, with everything, constantly. I clean the kitchen for her, but forget to remove clean dishes from the drying rack. she notices nothing else. One year I spent hours trying to decorate the house and bake her a homemade cake for her birthday, she hated everything.

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personal, family, depression shit, emotional abuse ignore it. 

I got caught in a bad storm, my tires got caught in the water on the side of the road as i was driving, it pulled me into the ditch, my car almost flipped, i was stuck and the car flooded. she & my stepdad came to get me. we get home and it was my fault. everything was my fault. she was so angry with me. as if i could control it, as if i somehow fucked up and caused my car to get stuck in the ditch.

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personal, family, depression shit, emotional abuse ignore it. 

im the oldest child and i feel like a lot has been expected of me. i am terrified of disappointing anyone. I am terrified of not meeting expectations. but that's all I do. Nothing is ever good enough. No matter what I do, no matter how I try, my mother finds fault. even if it's out of my control, it's my fault.

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personal, family, depression shit, emotional abuse ignore it. 

essentially, i'm pretty useless. that's how i have been made to feel for so long,i dont know even know when it began. i want to say after i graduated hs & moved in with my mother, which was 10 years ago now. but it was probably sooner and I've just forgotten. IDK. i just know that im useless.

and i dont want to be told otherwise.

Venting abt mmo people, no one here tho 

And then if ppl offer to help & the complainer is like, nah I dont accept things from people.
Like?? Fuck dude.

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Venting abt mmo people, no one here tho 

Like I totally get not wanting to put in the effort! That's fine. There are tons of things I want but am too lazy to work for.

It's just when the complaining is constant & and sounds like, "oh poor me!" That I tend to roll my eyes.

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Venting abt mmo people, no one here tho 

I like to think I'm pretty understanding, but sometimes I see people talk about things they'll never get in-game when they are things that actually aren't hard to get. They just take a bit of effort & complaining about how you wont get it b/c you wont put in the effort can get on my nerves a bit.

Decided it was probably about time I started writing the Hien - A kiss in secret prompt someone requested like, weeks ago.

Lord Hien, I've decided, is not a man I enjoy writing.

I love my dog, but she could sleep somewhere other than right up against my bum, that'd be stellar

I would love to level her to 16 and then scrounge for a cheap ass glamour on this server, but I am too tired 🛏️

Wish she was less pale but I'm not a huge fan of the green-hues for Sea Wolves so... Pale it is

I want to make a Roeg but had no room on Jenova, so hello Cactuar, here I come.

Will I actually play this alt? Probably not, but she's cute so I don't care.

anxiety & mental shit 

I do this thing sometimes where I mentally latch onto something & it makes me so sick and uncomfortable. I think that's part of what's going on with me, sort of.

anxiety & paranoia & emotions & menstruation 

It just has me so physically & mentally uncomfortable, like, constantly. And I can't imagine feeling like this for like, ever. i feel like i could be pmsing but at this point I hope that's the case & it seems more and more unlikely. ider my last cycle lmao.

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Elekk: Gameing and Other Delightful Pursuits

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