"Molecules sure are small."
"Okay... Uh-oh, let's see. It's Wednesday. Say it like it's spelled: Wed-nes-day. Well, that's not as interesting as I though it would be."
"Today is Thursday. Avoid People."
"Prove to the world that everything /is/ your business."
"Try to tie your pinkie to your thumb. You're not really trying. Try harder."
"When speaking, use a strong, choppy monotone voice. Strategically pop certain syllables to add emphasis when needed."
"Once I saw a hundred fish in a pond, and I said, 'Look, there are a hundred fish.'"
"Pledge your love to your desk calendar. It needs to be told sometimes."
"Your job today is to find a trombone and unroll it. Unroll it completely until it is just one long brass tube. Hold it across the sidewalk and let busy commuters limbo. Brightens their day."
If you want to have fun, then tell people you are Johnny Carson (even if you're not). See if they give you things or tell you, "I miss you, Johnny!"
There's nothing wrong with today... yet!
"What the anti-matter with you? Ha ha ha! You may use that one on your friends today."
"A wig is an important social statement and is not to be toyed with. Say that, "wig." Say "wig, wig, wig, wig, wig, wig, wig." Is anyone looking at you? Ha ha ha ha ha!"
"Learn not to laugh at yourself."
"Go to a restaurant and order a chicken and an egg. See which comes first."
"Remember - people like a nice pat on the head in the morning."
"Pour detergent all over your front lawn and wait by the window for rain." 🌧️
"Think of a piano. Think of the highest note - 'ting'! Keep going higher in your mind. How high can you go? Very!" 🎹
"Pretend you're a carnival barker, and point at everything with a stick when you talk." 🎪
"Eat, drink and be Mary Tyler Moore."
"Hey, I thought today was yesterday, what gives?"
"Do one million jumping jacks. Go!"
"Catch phrase... Get one and use it."
"Cram a bunch of golf balls into your mouth and tell your boss you have the mumps. If he sends you home, O lucky day!"
"Sing as loud as you can in your head."
"Do you still think fish can't speak? I mean, come on, after all this time?"
"Get out of your chair, run outside and reach for the sky. You don't have to reach really far, because it's right there. You can bend down and get it so there's no need to strain yourself."
"Deny, deny, deny."
"Play a flute and see if any snakes follow you around your office. Not so easy, is it?"
"Allow animals to visit your home, but warn them that you tire easily and often go to bed early."
"Watch PBS all evening. Talk about it non-stop at work tomorrow."
"Stock up on carrots, because one day rabbits may rule the earth, and you'll have bargaining power."
"Believe everything you read. It's all true, or else you wouldn't be reading it, right? Your time is too valuable."
"Eliminate as many foes as possible before lunch. The afternoon should be used for follow-up and reflection."
"Throw a party for your neighbor, and invite everyone you see in the mall."
"Run to the highest hill and shout upon its mighty peak, 'I am rich with wisdom!'"
"Flag down a motorist and ask him if he's happy with 'Things.'"
"Two-way exterior pet doors are an open invitation to small evil-doers."
"Don't you wish they could bottle the smell of Grandma's house?"
"Walk toward the Parthenon with a jackhammer, and take bets on how far you get."
"Let's call today Monday. I don't care if it's Thursday."
"There are many sweeping generalizations that are always true."
"Don't turn around. Pretend you're reading. There's an element of evil right behind you. (high pitched undulating whir sound) There now, you're safe. Mail me a check for 30, no 50 dollars."
"Write down everything you say today, diagram it and look up each word. See how much you say tomorrow."
@Crash I'm down. More kobolds for me.
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