Back in the 90s, the people behind the cartoon "Space Ghost Coast to Coast" made a CD to distribute to radio stations that they could play during their morning variety shows.
It consisted of short audio clips that were as ... odd ... as the show was, each voiced by the person who played the Coast to Coast version of Space Ghost.
Today I learned someone transcribed all of them.
"Go to your neighbor's house and open everything with a door on it; cabinets, refrigerator, oven, drawers. Then, tell him you were raised in a barn - see what he does about that."
"Force air into your lungs by opening your mouth and jerking your head and shoulders forward."
"Believe everything you read. It's all true, or else you wouldn't be reading it, right? Your time is too valuable."
"Walk or fly in place. Let the background do the work by providing the apparent motion for you."
"You are 3-D Man today, run towards people."
"Image is not everything - gravity is. Image is number two."
"Listen... can you hear them? Monsters in space, screaming for vengeance! Can you?"
"Not now dear, I'm flossing."
"Make guests comfortable. Engage them with open-ended questions. Dismiss them politely when you are finished with them."
"I regret to inform you that today has been cancelled. Stop here and go to tomorrow. Sorry about that."
"Count how many times people say your name today, write it down, and mail it to them. "
"Prove to the world that everything is your business."
"Ride a horse to work today. If you don't have a horse, go to the mounted police station and use one of theirs. Tell them it's for the environment, as if it's any of their business. They like that. Wear spurs for effect."
"Molecules sure are small."
"Okay... Uh-oh, let's see. It's Wednesday. Say it like it's spelled: Wed-nes-day. Well, that's not as interesting as I though it would be."
"Today is Thursday. Avoid People."
"Prove to the world that everything /is/ your business."
"Try to tie your pinkie to your thumb. You're not really trying. Try harder."
"When speaking, use a strong, choppy monotone voice. Strategically pop certain syllables to add emphasis when needed."
"Pledge your love to your desk calendar. It needs to be told sometimes."
"Your job today is to find a trombone and unroll it. Unroll it completely until it is just one long brass tube. Hold it across the sidewalk and let busy commuters limbo. Brightens their day."
If you want to have fun, then tell people you are Johnny Carson (even if you're not). See if they give you things or tell you, "I miss you, Johnny!"
There's nothing wrong with today... yet!
"What the anti-matter with you? Ha ha ha! You may use that one on your friends today."
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